We have a problem. And by we, I mean mostly me. I always thought things would go smoothly in my life, and I’ve done my best not to shake things up too much. I didn’t think things like this would happen to me, or that I’d ever be admitting it on such a public platform. I figure by now you are all wondering what I’m talking about, what the hell this article is supposed to be about.
It hurts to speak my truth, but I must:
It started on the promise of science. I told myself, ‘Daney, you’re in the profession of reviewing games, that means games from all perspectives and sensory perceptions.’ Next thing I know, I popped that little black chiclet into my mouth, and quickly recalled it. WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT TASTE?? My mouth was recovering from a sensation filled with pungent weedkiller mixed with rotted pickled onion. I looked to my left. Antonio was looking at me with a mix of disbelief and curiosity- I quickly told him to try it to see if he tasted the same thing I had. Which much less enthusiasm, Antonio brought the tiny black wafer to his lips, and gave it a tight and controlled sampling. I could see its bitterness engulfing him as his eyes widened, and his expression turned hard as steel. Needless to say, he did not approve.
After a quick taste of Nintendo’s bitter forbidden fruit, I caught myself wondering if it was even real, if the taste had actually been so intense, or if I just wanted it to feel that way. My desire to try it again was beating out my own willpower – I mean, I knew how ridiculous it was to yearn for a piece of coated plastic, and yet here I was. Temptation was growing to biblical proportions, and I couldn’t escape it any longer. I saved my game, turned off my console, and opened the cartridge hatch. There it was – that tiny, dark, and mysterious slab of the most bitter chocolate known to man. I took it in my hands and thought to myself that if I did this again, there was no going back. Tasting it once is understandable, but twice? Now we’re looking at something deeper than just curiosity. Was this what I really wanted? Where would it end?
It was only the second time the bitter rectangle had passed my lips, but it was just as intense as the first. I could only handle a moment of its chemical-tasting rush, before I couldn’t continue having its overwhelming hold on me any longer.
It didn’t end with that second encounter. I kept wondering if the taste would ever go away, or if the flavor could be different on other games. So, I kept finding new cartridges to try, my mouth watering as I dreamt of that visceral taste on my tongue – an oral fixation that even Freud would be proud of. Here is my definitive list, in order, of each game and it’s flavor:
- Legend of Zelda, Breath of the Wild – Easily the best tasting Switch cartridge. Weedkiller with a hint of pickled onion.
- 1, 2 Switch – Unexpectedly great. What I would imagine a stinkbug would taste like with notes of something floral.
- Super Bomberman R – Certainly super. Burning rubber with a hint of Grandma’s shoes.
- Mario Kart 8 Deluxe – Not as great as I was hoping it would be, but still worth a taste. Roadkill on a hot summer day.
- Just Dance 2017 – The worst out of the bunch. I don’t understand how this should work. Tastes like if moldy licorice were to become irradiated and shot into space, re-enter orbit and burn to a flaky crisp upon re-entry, and then be pressed into a Switch cartridge.
Even writing this confession has me starving for another taste. But I know it’s wrong, hell, Nintendo even said that the taste was so people DIDN’T put the cartridges in their mouths. But, to be honest, that only made me want it more. Because we always want what we can’t have. Maybe if Nintendo had never told us about that bitterness, I wouldn’t have thought twice about merging its surfaces with my taste buds. But they did, and I gave into temptation. Like a moth to the flame.